The Lawn-enforcement Manual
A guide to safety and etiquette
Thou Shalt be a Load-Bearing Shield
Use your "Pillar of the Community" status as a literal barrier. Stand at the front to shield marginalized neighbors, protect all legal statuses, and defend every kid’s right to be themselves. If anyone intimidates your community, they go through the guy in cargo shorts first. You’re the structural support ensuring everyone gets home safe.
Deploy thy Turbine Defenses
When the air gets "spicy," don't let it settle on the folks behind you. Treat tear gas like a pile of wet clippings on a neighbor’s driveway: move it back to the source.
Point your blower at a 45-degree angle toward the ground to create a high-velocity "wind wall" that lofts the gas up and away from kids & families.
Honor thy Buddy System
No Dad is an island. Stay tethered at all times. If you lose sight of your buddy, you head to the pre-agreed rally point immediately—no exceptions. Offer buddy services to those who are new, attending alone, or more vulnerable. Whether they need a walking escort or a watchful eye, ensure nobody stands solo on the front line.
Thou Shalt Protect Thine Eyes
This isn't just about reading the fine print. Wear sturdy spectacles or safety goggles, as contact lenses trap irritants against your eyes. Cover your head to guard against pepperballs, and keep a damp bandana handy. Protecting your chassis ensures you stay functional when the community needs a steady hand.
Lock Thy Digital Thermostat
Turn off Face ID and Fingerprint unlock on your phone. Use a long passcode. Just like the thermostat at home, no one gets into your phone without your explicit code access and permission.
Thou Shalt Carry the Sharpie
Write the emergency contact number (or legal aid) on your forearm in permanent marker. If things go sideways, you don’t want to be checking your phone for a number.
Thou Shalt not Dehydrate
Carry more water than you think you need. A Dad’s job is to stay hydrated and periodically ask everyone else, "Have you had any water lately? You're looking a little flushed."
Thou Shalt Know the Exit Strategy
Before the lawn party starts, identify at least two ways out of the area. Never get backed into a corner where there isn't a clear path to the carpool.
Thou Shalt Record for the Record
If you see someone coloring outside the lines, pull out the phone. Keep the camera steady and focus on the action, not on the faces of your fellow protesters. Keep everyone’s identity safe.